Balls Up

Poor Ed Balls. He should have stuck to being a financial adviser. As someone responsible for the nation’s youth, he is an obvious disaster.

His Oscar-winning piece of stupidity was the recent legislation to make half the population undergo a test to prove they were not paedophiles. Such a test would be imposed on anyone who, as I do, performs shows to children in schools. Quite how a poet performing a show to an audience of 400 children in a school hall is likely to have an opportunity of practising paedophilia was not gone into. I’m surprised this demonstration of above normal subnormality by one of our cretinous politicians did not inspire a Ken Russell movie, an over-the-top demonstration of in flagrante perversion, perhaps with a Busby Berkeley dancing chorus .

Of course we poets and writers protested. We did not have much hope our protest would succeed. We accepted that we would lumbered with a further piece of incompetent bureaucracy.

But we are professionals: coping with CRB’s and ISA’s would be just one more irritation. What was obvious to everyone except poor old Balls Up, was that his ridiculous piece of legislation was telling the volunteers of Britain “No. Do not on any account volunteer to run a boys’ choir, be a scoutmaster, coach friendly football, take your mate’s kids for a walk, give a lift to an injured boy or girl stranded at the side of a mountain road.” In other words, do not perform any act of kindness whatsoever to a young person: if you do, some busybody will report you to the police, and your career and personal life may be irreparably damaged.

Our distorted sick culture is damaging the national psyche. Ten years ago, if, walking along a road or a station platform, I overtook a woman carrying a suitcase, I would always offer to carry the suitcase for as long as the two of us were going in the same direction. Now I mostly hesitate, in case I am accused of rape.

Yes, a sick culture. But this Balls Up offers us a glimmer of hope. People protested a lot at Balls’ balls up. And – Wowee! Wowee! – Balls has back-tracked, and his stupid legislation has been emasculated.

So it does make a difference. We, as citizens, have to take note that 95% of the decisions taken by politicians are wrong. We have to tell the politicians what we think of their stupidity, and tell them repeatedly. It’s hard work, but it may be worth it if we manage to change our political system a little for the better.